MEET JONIE
We started out so well. What could go wrong?
I was really good at being married, until life’s challenges stacked up. Years later, I became stressed, overwhelmed, resentful, and lonely.
Did I marry the wrong person?
What happened to us?
“Why are you looking at me like that? This is your fault.”
“My fault?! You are the one who said you would…”
We used to be on the same team.
We used to agree.
I used to feel seen and loved.
I was not expecting this depth of loneliness to happen in my marriage. I was filled with frustration and resentment, and I was thankful when we weren’t home at the same time.
Love was not enough. Blame, avoidance, and being busy didn't work either.
I avoided our issues for a long time; they seemed unsolvable and annoying. I didn’t want to spend time and energy on them. So my agreements to “try harder” didn’t make much of a difference. Of course, everything kept getting worse, way worse. And I realized I didn’t like how it felt out of control, as if this situation was something randomly happening to me; I wanted to choose. I wanted to intentionally decide what my life would be like.
Either I would commit to stay miserably at odds with my husband, or I would commit to making it better.
Both directions would be challenging, but only one would be rewarding. I chose to commit to making it better. Next step, figuring out what to do. My degrees in science couldn’t fix our issues, but I did have my research skills. Through very in-depth courses in marriage, studying child and family development, reading piles and piles of books, relationship coaching, and lots of experiments at home, I started to see a way out of the misery. I learned about the stage of marriage we were in, how to recognize our harmful patterns, and what to do with them; how to get “us” again.
Discovering how to change our patterns brought caring, support, and enjoyment back to life.
I learned that I did not marry the wrong person. For all these years, our automatic patterns had been dictating our marriage, and we didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know how the stages of close relationships were affecting so many aspects of our marriage. Once I understood the foundational pieces of relationships and why those patterns sucked us into their trap so quickly, I was able to slow it all down. Then I was able to choose new ways of interacting. And this is where the healing began, and caring about each other started to grow again.
Now, I support others so they can enjoy their marriage and life again.
Many marriages and families are suffering significantly because these sneaky patterns are still covertly running the show. It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s possible to halt the transmission of these patterns in our marriages and to protect the next generation. There is so much change that can happen in our families; so many better days ahead. I hope my work continues to reach the families who want this change for themselves.
Healing, peace, and joy are possible.
Consider making an appointment with me, even before you feel “ready.” If you have marriage issues, even small ones, now is the time to commit to making it better. Family relationship problems don’t resolve on their own.
You deserve the opportunity to have a supportive and enjoyable marriage.
These are a few of my “values in action” you can expect when working with me.
They support our goal of creating better days in your marriage and life.
BLAME-FREE – What escalates rage, people-pleasing, or withdrawal within about 2 seconds? Blame does all that and more. When you work with me, my aim is not to blame. I want to help you feel safe and not on guard. Blaming, judging, and accusing are replaced with listening, understanding, & telling the truth with compassion, while giving you back the power of ownership.
EMPATHY – With genuine empathy, we feel understood, valued, and accepted; essentials for humans. My goal in bringing empathy to our sessions is that you feel understood, valued, and accepted by me. If you suspect that either you or your spouse missed out in the empathy lottery, that’s okay. Empathy is a learnable skill and one with great rewards.
TAKE THE LEAD – I take the lead in our sessions. You take the lead in your part of your marriage. In our work together, we focus on quality leadership; clear values & priorities, ownership, boundaries, consistency, emotional regulation, direct communication, empathy, decision making, repair, accountability, and stable self-worth.
TEAMWORK – Relationships are a team sport. This includes the interactions between you and me. We collaborate together so you can have better days in your relationships. This includes sharing ideas, providing feedback, and making adjustments. I also facilitate your rediscovery of the teamwork in your marriage.
ENVIRONMENT – My goal is to create an environment so each person feels safe, significant, and seen. This assists openness, taking ownership, and reflection. These are almost impossible to do when we feel threatened. So I bring curiosity, creativity, stability, awareness, and some playfulness. We cover serious topics, but no need to do it in Grim Reaper style.
RESPECT– I respect your autonomy. I respect your intelligence. I respect your experiences and perspective. I respect your marriage. I respect the time and money you spend on solving a problem. I respect you, and therefore, I am not a neutral party in our coaching sessions; I am a truthful party. I say the hard things, initiated from respect and delivered with respect.
