Dr. Dave Logan’s book, Tribal Leadership, outlines five key stages of group dynamics, each defined by language, behavior, and relational patterns.
His book primarily focuses on organizational and business culture, but its principles also offer a powerful perspective for shaping families and understanding marriage dynamics.
Instead of “stages,” as Dr. Logan’s book mentions, we’ll refer to these as perspectives—different emotional and relational viewpoints that partners may inhabit at various times. Just as organizations develop cultures, couples develop emotional climates rooted in shared beliefs, behaviors, and meanings.
What mindset are spouses carrying into the day-to-day? What emotional culture exists between them? And what does it mean for their connection, growth, and personal identity?
Let’s look at how these five perspectives might show up in marriages:
Perspective 1 in Marriage: “Life sucks.”
This is a relationship steeped in hopelessness or despair. The world is seen as dangerous or meaningless, and the marriage offers no relief. Partners might be stuck in trauma, addiction, or cycles of emotional abuse. Conversations are minimal or hostile. Love feels like a myth.
- Mindset: “Nothing ever changes. People always leave. You can’t trust anyone.”
- Outlook: Life itself is threatening. Connection feels impossible. There’s no reason to invest or hope.
- Driving force: Survival. Numbness. Avoidance of pain.
- Implications: There’s little to no room for intimacy, personal growth, or healing. Defining oneself often happens in isolation or rebellion rather than in relationship.
Perspective 2 in Marriage: “My life sucks.”
Here, one or both partners feel stuck, but not hopeless about everything, just their relationship. There may be resentment: “Others seem happy. Why can’t we be?” Communication is functional but emotionally disconnected. The effort feels one-sided. One partner may be checked out while the other carries the emotional load.
- Mindset: “Everyone else gets a loving partner. I’m just stuck with this.”
- Outlook: Resentful, martyr-like. The relationship is endured, not enjoyed.
- Driving force: Quiet desperation. Obligation. Routine.
- Implications: There may be minimal conflict, but also minimal joy. Growth stalls. One’s identity may shrink into victimhood or over-functioning. Intimacy fades, giving way to passive cohabitation.
Perspective 3 in Marriage: “I’m great (but you’re not).”
This is a competitive marriage mindset. One or both partners may see themselves as superior in parenting, finances, emotional intelligence, or effort. Criticism and/or withdrawal are common. The relationship is measured in transactions: who gives more, who cares more, who “wins” the argument.
- Mindset: “If only they were more like me, this marriage would work.”
- Outlook: Smug, disconnected, self-righteous.
- Driving force: Ego. The need to be right. The need to be the better half.
- Implications: The marriage becomes emotionally unsafe. Vulnerability is seen as weakness. One or both partners may be performing rather than connecting. There’s little curiosity about the other person’s world.
Perspective 4 in Marriage: “We’re great.”
This marriage is anchored in mutual respect and shared purpose. Differences are appreciated, not attacked. Conflicts are faced together, not weaponized. Each person supports the other’s growth and challenges them to become more.
- Mindset: “We’re in this together. I’m better because of you.”
- Outlook: Collaborative, warm, alive. Challenges are faced side by side.
- Driving force: Shared mission. Love. Growth.
- Implications: The marriage is a safe base and a growth zone. Each partner gets to define themselves within the relationship, not by escaping it. There’s room for individuality and interdependence. Emotional maturity increases.
Perspective 5 in Marriage: “Life is great”
This marriage becomes a vessel for something beyond the couple. Their love expands outward—to community, to service, to future generations. There’s a sense of depth and a greater sense of purpose and contribution.
- Mindset: “Love is bigger than us. This relationship is part of something meaningful and enduring.”
- Outlook: Grateful, present, energized by meaning.
- Driving force: Purpose. Transcendence. Legacy.
- Implications: Identity is deeply integrated. Partners feel called, not just content. Their love offers service and opportunities to others. Intimacy is grounded, expansive, and deeply fulfilling—emotionally, physically, and relationally.
Which Perspective Are You Bringing To Your Marriage?
Knowing which perspective you are starting from is the way to make progress in your marriage and family life. Focusing on awareness and intention will get you to your goal.
- Are you stuck in the resignation of Perspective 2?
- Do you flip into Perspective 3 when you feel insecure?
- Have you tasted the connection of Perspective 4 but lost your footing?
- Are there glimpses of Perspective 5 in moments of deep connection?
The work of building a healthy marriage isn’t about reaching perfection. It’s to increase our awareness and intention of who we are as individuals and how we are contributing to forming the relationship. This is how we deepen our connection, collaboration, and meaning.
And the work of defining yourself? It doesn’t require independence from the relationship, but growth within it. Humans form tribes—we are created for relationships. The way we develop our self-identity is through our relationships with others.
How To Change Perspectives
Changing your marriage mindset begins with self-awareness and self-leadership. These five perspectives are not just states we fall into; they’re leadership roles. They reveal how we lead ourselves and how we contribute to our “tribe.”
Effective self-leadership means asking honest questions:
- Am I aware of the emotional climate I help create?
- Am I leading with blame, ego, or avoidance?
- Am I showing up with curiosity, clarity, and courage?
You don’t have to stay where you are. Your perspective can shift—and with it, your relationship.
Here’s your next step:
- Start by identifying which perspective appears most frequently in your marriage.
- Name the thoughts and beliefs driving that perspective.
- Choose one new action this week that reflects the perspective you want to grow into.
Regardless of the perspective you start from, the path forward begins with small shifts. These consistent actions and adjustments can significantly change your relationship and your life.
